douche bags, camaros, and yogis

Unpleasant thoughts wasted on unworthy endeavors

followed by the discovery of plastic in my smoothie

and an entitled douche bag in a Camaro cutting me off.

Thursday morning is looking great.

I walk by the douche bag’s Camaro and silently mock in my best Bridemaid’s voice “oohhhh look at you in your little Camero you must be sooooo rich” as I contemplate throwing my coffee on his hood. Glancing down I remember I am holding Autobiography of a Yogi in my hand. I refrain from the assault, not wanting to tarnish Yogananda’s reputation.

Brian and I stroll pass the capital as I recall my morning mishaps to him, noting that I woke in a uniquely foul mood today. He laughs and says every day he wakes up he is in a foul mode, mostly because he’s awake. We share a laugh and I’m grateful for these morning walks and my friend’s paralleled dark humor.
Nigel reminds me of the road we are on
and how every ignored temptation to stray from it,
is progress.
Aaron sends me this quote from our meditation book
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and so it is. life gives you exactly what you need.
when you need it
here’s to bowing to the silence within,
listening for Lightness’ call.
at the end of the day,
how can I be anything
but grateful?
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a teacher told me

that I would be reborn

but that this time I would be wide awake for it

that I would witness each excruciating

exhilarating

magnificent moment

that has been true. 

On Change

It’s remarkable how quickly your life and daily routine can change. Just months ago I felt stuck in a dead end job on an island with a man I thought I would marry. We played house and I took pride in the simple life of domestic duties.

Now I’m up at 5, practicing hot yoga every morning with the All American Yoga Man, pouring over California’s criminal justice history on the train downtown where I share insights on life and economics with the tall LAO analyst and my knight in shining armor from the museum. Aaron reminds me that this is where the growth happens and Nigel and I exchange daily pep talks. Now I walk the capital on my lunch and listen to country music, laughing to myself at the sheer cleverness and delight the universe showers me with. I never would have imagined these men, these little gifts from above, would grace my life with their wisdom and friendship. During the day I analyze federal education proposals, connecting the dots between priorities and budgets, aspirations and practical considerations. I wind down with green tea instead of wine and scribble in my journal, repeating Hafiz and trying to commit this all to memory- how resilient the human spirit is. how just months ago I laid in my childhood bed, sick with heartache as I painstakingly watched my neighbor mow his lawn, surprised that life went on in spite of my paralyzing pain. Time is like that. The rawness wears off and new people, ideas, and possibilities begin to flood your life, washing away memories of your former self, and all the pain that once plagued you. Time heals and renews, it makes all wrongs right again. There’s no place so desolate the sun doesn’t shine, no event the gentle hands of time can’t bend into a blessing.

If you don’t think you’re worthy of the success you’re trying to manifest, you’ll destroy it. The law of reciprocity will hold for your own self-belief. You really have to believe that you deserve everything good that’s coming to you. You have to love yourself, feel that you’re worthy. Doing that work is getting yourself in alignment with that universal reciprocity. Say, I’ve done the work, I’ve done the hard labor, I really deserve to reap some of the benefits from this abundant universe and then you will start to create situations more favorable for that.

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summer lessons

this summer has been a whirlwind of adventure. climbing through windows, CCR roadtrips, yoga before sunrise, the look in your eye as we stumble on the dance floor.

It is just love and I now, doing whatever happens

there’s a moment when your heart breaks open

that you realize its for your own expansion

that you crammed yourself into a barn and God had a mansion

waiting for you

it’s in those moments that you can look back and laugh at the pain. of course it helps if you have a little sunshine and whiskey and a handsome man whose gentle and just right amount frisky. and friends to help you grieve and brothers who will never leave. All comes your way for a reason. Everything is working the room and making valuable connections.

allow your heart to settle

for a man who challenges you

a man who makes you think. 

A man who expands your consciousness

is a man worth falling in love with over and over.