thesis ramblings

I’m not even hungry, but I’m stuffing grapes into my mouth, numb to their taste

cleaning the keyboard on my dads computer, and reorganizing the shoe shelf

all pathetic attempts at distracting myself from working on my thesis.

i stand in the driveway

watching families go by on bikes,

cars zoom by, presumably off to a fun adventure

even the leaves trickle along in freedom.

but me … no. I am a slave to a blinking cursor and a deadline

what was life like before I arrogantly took on this challenge?

did I laugh freely and often?

did I spend saturdays basking in the sun enjoying the company of loved ones?

i can’t recall.

all I know is dread and academia.

two sides of the same coin

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another morning in the trees

a soft face and cold nose press against my cheek

I flutter my eyes open to see

my lover’s gaze staring back into mine

Elvis, you’re a dream.

Last night Kat and I drank cheap spirits and fended off

advances from questionable hill dwellers

the line up a striking resemblance

to El Dorado’s Most Wanted

we didn’t want them.

A Room With A View

I have countless memories

of that white three-story

with its chipping paint and flimsy staircase

In the mornings I would sit in bed

slowly caffeinating myself

reading, writing, silently pontificating

about the future

Resentfully eyeing that old lousy house

for obstructing the sunrise.

 

Now, I sing with the owls

and watch the sun rise

to kiss the pines

runners, bikers and dogs

shuffle by greeting my day

with inspiration

Now, I sip french press with my Beloved

just breathing

it all in

We share a laugh

remembering our prior accommodations

You too, can have a room with a view

but it will cost you. 

douche bags, camaros, and yogis

Unpleasant thoughts wasted on unworthy endeavors

followed by the discovery of plastic in my smoothie

and an entitled douche bag in a Camaro cutting me off.

Thursday morning is looking great.

I walk by the douche bag’s Camaro and silently mock in my best Bridemaid’s voice “oohhhh look at you in your little Camero you must be sooooo rich” as I contemplate throwing my coffee on his hood. Glancing down I remember I am holding Autobiography of a Yogi in my hand. I refrain from the assault, not wanting to tarnish Yogananda’s reputation.

Brian and I stroll pass the capital as I recall my morning mishaps to him, noting that I woke in a uniquely foul mood today. He laughs and says every day he wakes up he is in a foul mode, mostly because he’s awake. We share a laugh and I’m grateful for these morning walks and my friend’s paralleled dark humor.
Nigel reminds me of the road we are on
and how every ignored temptation to stray from it,
is progress.
Aaron sends me this quote from our meditation book
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and so it is. life gives you exactly what you need.
when you need it
here’s to bowing to the silence within,
listening for Lightness’ call.
at the end of the day,
how can I be anything
but grateful?

a teacher told me

that I would be reborn

but that this time I would be wide awake for it

that I would witness each excruciating

exhilarating

magnificent moment

that has been true. 

On Change

It’s remarkable how quickly your life and daily routine can change. Just months ago I felt stuck in a dead end job on an island with a man I thought I would marry. We played house and I took pride in the simple life of domestic duties.

Now I’m up at 5, practicing hot yoga every morning with the All American Yoga Man, pouring over California’s criminal justice history on the train downtown where I share insights on life and economics with the tall LAO analyst and my knight in shining armor from the museum. Aaron reminds me that this is where the growth happens and Nigel and I exchange daily pep talks. Now I walk the capital on my lunch and listen to country music, laughing to myself at the sheer cleverness and delight the universe showers me with. I never would have imagined these men, these little gifts from above, would grace my life with their wisdom and friendship. During the day I analyze federal education proposals, connecting the dots between priorities and budgets, aspirations and practical considerations. I wind down with green tea instead of wine and scribble in my journal, repeating Hafiz and trying to commit this all to memory- how resilient the human spirit is. how just months ago I laid in my childhood bed, sick with heartache as I painstakingly watched my neighbor mow his lawn, surprised that life went on in spite of my paralyzing pain. Time is like that. The rawness wears off and new people, ideas, and possibilities begin to flood your life, washing away memories of your former self, and all the pain that once plagued you. Time heals and renews, it makes all wrongs right again. There’s no place so desolate the sun doesn’t shine, no event the gentle hands of time can’t bend into a blessing.

If you don’t think you’re worthy of the success you’re trying to manifest, you’ll destroy it. The law of reciprocity will hold for your own self-belief. You really have to believe that you deserve everything good that’s coming to you. You have to love yourself, feel that you’re worthy. Doing that work is getting yourself in alignment with that universal reciprocity. Say, I’ve done the work, I’ve done the hard labor, I really deserve to reap some of the benefits from this abundant universe and then you will start to create situations more favorable for that.

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