I can’t believe how long its been since I’ve written on here. I had two months of nothingess and ….nothing. literally nothing. no thoughts worthy of writing down. Eh, thats not true, I’m just lazy. I’m back in the East Bay living with Kyle. We have the cutest little apartment in Lake Merritt, Oakland. I am here now after a long day, candles going, heater blowing, Lois Armstrong serenading me. I injured my knee a week ago playing indoor soccer, how ambitious right? Confined to a knee brace and crutches I hobble my way around, being stubborn and taking longer to recover.
There’s been a couple things on my mind lately, felt like now would be an appropriate time to commit them to memory, laying in pain on the couch, paralyzed by my own stupidity.
The first thing is work. I’m working back at the International Community School in East Oakland, where I direct an after school literacy program. Every day I drive down International Blvd I count the hookers on the corner, mostly counting how many blocks they are from the school. Sometimes it makes me angry because they inch closer and closer to my precious students, vulnerable and naive. Then, sometimes when I’m stopped at a light next to them, I get a glimpse into their faces and I see the emptiness. And at this point I don’t know whats more heartbreaking; that this is the life they’re living, or that it no longer phases me. If I was 18 I might pull over and try to help them, talk to them, listen to their stories, tell them they were perfectly and wonderfully made, that they are worth so much more. I at least would have made some crafty affirmational poster or something and placarded it on their corners….but now I’m 25. .. inching closer to 26. I’ve been a bit hardened by life, or maybe just becoming more of a realist. Now I read Machiavelli and indoctrinate myself with self-determination ideals, that people are free to choose their own fate, that they and only they can and should choose it. John Mill says, “you cannot set people free”. John Mill also probably would have kept to his belief in non-intervention if he himself watched the SS officers blindly follow orders, committing crimes against humanity. Sometimes I find myself conflicted with thoughts. With compassion and justice, with relentlessly pursuing my offender with the goal of reconciliation (patterned after Christ’s relentless pursuit of us)//and learning when to let go of people and situations, with intervention or self-determination. The difficulty comes in that I see Truth in all of it.
On another, more positive and assured note, I have the most amazing boyfriend. When I read 1 Corinthians, I can replace Love with Kyle’s name and it holds true. He is patient, kind, forgiving, protecting, trusting… Everyday he shows me a love so beautiful and true that I feel unworthy. He teaches me a lot about how to be a better person, and I don’t think he is even aware of it. I wish there was a way to convey my adoration for this man.