photograph//because i miss someone

I wish I was a photograph
Tucked into the corners of your wallet
I wish I was a photograph
You carried like a future in your back pocket
I wish I was that face you show to strangers
When they ask you where you come from
I wish I was that someone that you come from
Every time you get there
And when you get there
I wish I was that someone who got phone calls
And postcards saying
Wish you were here

I wish you were here
Autumn is the hardest season
The leaves are all falling
And they’re falling like they’re falling in love with the ground
And the trees are naked and lonely
I keep trying to tell them
New leaves will come around in the spring
But you can’t tell trees those things
They’re like me they just stand there
And don’t listen

I wish you were here
I’ve been missing you like crazy
I’ve been hazy eyed
Staring at the bottom of my glass again
Thinking of that time when it was so full
It was like we were tapping the moon for moonshine
Or sticking straws into the center of the sun
And sipping like icarus would forever kiss
The bullets from our guns
I never meant to fire you know
I know you never meant to fire lover
I know we never meant to hurt each other
Now the sky clicks from black to blue
And dusk looks like a bruise
I’ve been wrapping one night stands
Around my body like wedding bands
But none of them fit in the morning
They just slip off my fingers and slip out the door
And all that lingers is the scent of you
I once swore if I threw that scent into a wishing well
All the wishes in the world would come true

Do you remember
Do you remember the night I told you
I’ve never seen anything more perfect than
Than snow falling in the glow of a street light
Electricity bowing to nature
Mind bowing to heartbeat
This is gonna hurt bowing to I love you
I still love you like moons love the planets they circle around
Like children love recess bells
I still hear the sound of you
And think of playgrounds
Where outcasts who stutter
Beneath braces and bruises and acne
Finally learning that their rich handsome bullies
Are never gonna grow up to be happy
I think of happy when I think of you
So wherever you are I hope you’re happy
I really do
I hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight
I hope you finally found a way to quit smoking
I hope your lungs are open and breathing your life
I hope there’s a kite in your hand
That’s flying all the way up to orion
And you still got a thousand yards of string to let out
I hope you’re smiling
Like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth
‘Cause I might be naked and lonely
Shaking branches for bones
But I’m still time zones away
From who I was the day before we met
You were the first mile
Where my heart broke a sweat
And I wish you were here
I wish you’d never left
But mostly I wish you well
I wish you my very very best

(andrea gisbon <3)

Washington DC

I have safely and almost sanely arrived in DC. My family flew over with me and we spent the last couple days exploring the city and our boundaries with each other. As crazy as they are, I love and cherish our relationship, our closeness, comfort and unyielding support. Knowing that they came all the way out here just to get me settled in okay, overwhelms me with gratitude. 

And of course, my dad talks to everyone he sees, meets and passes. So this guy, selling us gelato at the mall, tells dad he really likes his shirt, so much so that he wants to give dad money to go home, purchase the shirt, and send it back to him. Dad agrees. And I will be the deliverer of said shirt – and be awarded discounted gelato at my leisure. Networking at its finest.

letting go

we learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don’t particularly care for. We separate ourselves and our process, from others and their process.

We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others an ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts.

In(dependence/theclouds)

Change is the only constant in my life.  Swapping cities, schools and men like players on a chess board. An ability I cherish, my independence, my freedom. The comfort of support and the thrill of mystery.
I’ve been on the move since 18. From San Luis to Botswana, London to the East Bay, carried by ambition and the wind.
Family and friends have come to terms with my coming and going.  Shane wraps me in his goodbye, “I’m gonna miss you AJ” as  I sigh, “me too, another 4 months”.
Im sitting on a plane mid flight to DC. My body isn’t the only thing in the clouds. I haven’t stopped thinking about Kyle since driving away from from his place this morning. We spent the majority of our last time together in silence. I held his eyes like a bible, sacred and true. Looks conveying what words failed. And in that moment we were just two people wondering why things are the way they are. Wondering why after a decade I knowing each other, weeks before I embark on another journey our hearts collide like stars
this binary formation unbreakable
and this distance breaks my heart.

tragedy/victory

This morning I woke up to my neighbors yelling. The dad roaring about “stupid mother fucker this” and “ill slap the shit out of you that”. Then I went to work, where I mentor underprivileged high school students. My tutors shared their stories about overcoming adversities on their journey to Cal.

AnaVictoria’s voice shakes as she retells countless nights of domestic and sexual abuse within her family. Her eyes begin to water, the last time she saw her dad was when she was 10 and he was arrested for beating her mom. Ana is young, latina and beautiful. Her name is a combination of God’s Grace and Victory. In spite her tragedies she still wears hope on her sleeve.

Wendy talks about growing up in East LA. How her family was so poor and mom so cracked out that they had to sleep on the floor of her dad’s mechanic shop. The shop eventually found out and he was fired, leaving Wendy and her family homeless. Her dad started trafficking drugs to pay rent, but was arrested and sentenced to 20 years in jail. In and out of relatives homes Wendy always felt like a burden. She struggled with suicide at 15 and says that being at Cal changed her, that she’s never felt more a part of something in her life.

I’m just sitting in the back of the room listening to their stories. Watching the students take it all in, many of whom live similar stories.

I’m just taking it all in.

the mornings are mine // carry on

I love being up in the morning

before the neighbors

before the sun

before the days adversities set in and I smile, bite my tongue and carry on

because anger, bitterness and resentment hinders progress

it only hurts yourself

I’ve been making a list of affirmations, positive words I tell myself when no one else will – not that I am not surrounded by supportive people – because I am, but sometimes you have to encourage yourself. Today I am reminding myself that everyday I become the person I want to be. In my thoughts, in my words, my actions and my intentions – all culminate into the woman I am, the woman I want to be.

Sometimes its really fucking hard. But that’s what separates you from me. I am the master of my mind, my fate – the captain of my soul.

 

” I keep going because I don’t see the productive value of being bitter. What else do you do? Do you get so bitter that you give up? To me, I’m part of the human famliy. What the human family will accomplish, I can’t control. So how do you keep on? I can’t help it. I don’t claim to have any corner on any answer, but I beleive that the struggle is eternal. Somebody else carries on.”
-Ella Baker