Control, Acceptance

Sometimes I get really bummed out on decisions people in my life are making. Whether its addiction or infidelity, laziness or lies, I’ve realized how much I let others’ actions effect myself. Not in a cant-sleep-cant-eat kinda way, but  it upsets me, more in that inner, deep part of my soul that wants everything to be okay kinda way. I care about people, alot, but there has to be boundaries, and I cant let my concern take over my drive and what I’m trying to do. It’s a difficult thing to walk away from relationships that are bringing you down, but its a necessary thing.

There really are givers and takers in our lives, recognizing and then acting on it, is probably one of the best decisions we can make for ourselves.

I was just reading one of my favorite authors posts, he was writing about control and codependency. He says,

Sometimes you have to watch people destroy their lives, but that’s just the point. Their lives are theirs to destroy.

I recognized a lot of myself in that.  That it’s about giving up that desire to control, whether its out of love or fear, its not yours to possess.

The rain aint gone but I can still see clear

I was supposed to go to Tahoe this weekend with my mom and family friends. Last night before I went to sleep, I got this really uneasy feeling in my stomach. When I woke up it was still there, like I was really anxious and nervous about the trip, which is weird because I grew up snowboarding, I love snowboarding! It was the same experience that I had with yoga a couple weeks ago, when I didnt feel right before the class then ended up passing out. So I went with my gut and changed my mind at 6:30 this morning when we were loading up the car. Im still not really sure why that happened, it was almost as though I had a premonition, like I thought something bad was going to happen. I dont know how to explain it.

Anyways, spring break is coming to an end. I’m excited to go back to the bay, but I’m enjoying time with my family too. I’ve also come to the sad realization that a lot of my old friends are absolute losers. Actually, I guess I have this realization every time I come back to Sac, but its getting more and more apparent. It’s hard because I want to be there for my friends, but at the same time they are toxic, negative energy and making shitty decisions, which makes me want no part of them.

I’ve been reading a lot, trying to stay focussed. You have to surround yourself with positive people because you feed off their energy, and I’m too driven to be getting caught up in some dumb shit. It’s about preparing and positioning yourself for success. Its crucial for me to position myself for the things that I want. Relationships built off lust and connivence don’t last. It’s about being able to see through it all.

After bein’ 25, you know, just trying to survive in the world

when you start gettin that little age and experience you start thinking about stuff,

tryin make the right moves

UCDC 2012

I got accepeted to the UCDC Program this fall, which is a research/internship program in Washington DC, through Cal. I am so excited and blessed to have this opportunity, God is so faithful in his provisions.

I think it took me awhile to really start caring about my education and career, and so I never really put myself out there. But now that I have accomplished something that I set out to do, my self-confidence is really boosted. Sometimes I think my family and friends have more faith in me than I have in myself, and so achieving this goal feels good, feels validating, because it’s something I really wanted.

I think its one thing to always hear that you are smart or beautiful, but its another to actually believe it for yourself.

I believe it now. 

look back and laugh

I want to tell you a little story
Cause it makes me warm inside
It’s about some friends growing up
And all the things they tried
I’m not talking about staple shit
They went for something more
I guess it was too much dreaming
Too much to hope for
One day something funny happened
But it scared the shit out of me
Their heads went in different directions
And their friendship ceased to be

I’m telling you I want it to work
I don’t like being hurt
Something’s not right inside
And I can’t always put it aside
What can we do, what can we do?

(look back and laugh)

how to lose weight and impress people

After a late night of studying and shit talking, the boys talked me into going to a Bikram Yoga class with them this morning. I used to do yoga quite often, and sometimes Bikram (which is just yoga in a heated room so it feels like your slowly dying in a sauna surrounded by half naked strangers) but it’s been a minute so I was a little hesitant. Not to mention the very first time I tried it, I was in London, on a juice fast with some friends, and passed out during the class – apparently you are supposed to eat before you submit yourself to such torture.

In hopes of not repeating that embarrassing situation, I made a protein smoothie about an hour before take off. Before the class started I was already doomed, Jimmy called my bluff. He laughs and says “you okay? you look really nervous”

i laughed. i was. i dont know why it was really weird and funny at the same time.

Anyways, this class had a biking component, like spin class in hell, and thats what did it for me. 2o minutes in I feel really light headed and nauseous, i run out of the class and basically repeat the London experience verbatim. read: stumble out of class, stagger towards front desk, collapse to floor, use pathetic hand waving/gesturing to attract attention of cute male client, then proceed to whimper something about passing out. However, I diverged off the path a bit and instead of actually passing out, I threw up. Protein smoothie surprise.

Gracefully, I recover and stay seated on the floor by the front desk, where my guardians have close watch. I stay there for the remainder of the class, till the boys come out and I have to explain to them what happened. Apparently I was the weakest link. We were “in a marathon, they passed me the baton, and I dropped it”

impressive i know. well i learned a couple things…my body doesn’t adjust well to heat or hard work. vomiting on yourself is a great first impression, remarkably rememberable. and i have really awesome friends.