Everything I Needed to Know, I learned from the the Betches

111. The 1%

The Betches on Oct 17, 2011

For the past few days, we’ve been hearing murmurs about something called Occupy Wall Street. We assumed it had something to do with a fucking career fair, so obviously banished it from our radar. But then a herd of poor people got in the way of our daily commute to Barney’s (we day-time as personal shoppers, for ourselves). Fuck the 99%, this is war.

So we took to Twitter to research this “movement.” Flash forward to two hours later and we’re finally caught up on Kim Kardashian’s tweets. Sorry, what were we just saying?

As it turns out, recently a bunch of ugly poor people thought it was okay to be annoying and ask for money like this was an episode of the Jersey Shore or something.

protestsDear gross hippies: this isn’t a democracy, it’s a betchocracy

Needless to say we still have no idea what the fuck this “movement” is about. But neither do the protesters, so let the shit-talking begin.

The people occupying Wall Street seem to be just as confused about what they’re doing as the people writing blog posts about what they’re doing. Something tells us we could take old our “Free Lindsay” sign to this protest and go totally unnoticed. As a matter of fact, if betches owned Birkenstocks or knew how to get to Wall Street we’d already be fighting for America’s Favorite Fuck-Up.

Anyway, who determined this 99% vs. 1% thing? 99% of every bro a betch has ever made eye contact with works on Wall Street. This shit is skewed, and that’s probably because America’s youth can’t do math. Go fucking protest about the education system why don’t you?

too betchy to fail

Whatever, betches love the 1% and here’s why:

– Betches are the 1%. We actually invented it, but we guess the 99% thought that “the Lucky Sperm Club” was a bad #9 nicknamefor their enemies in the 1%. It’s calledsniffle-down economics. Fucking duh.

– We’ve never concerned ourselves with 99% of the people around us before, why would we start now? Like, stop trying to make the 99% happen, it’s not going to happen.

– Obviously, in any epic battle between a small group of better people and a big group of worse people, betches will choose the elite team. Like historical betch Queen Marie Antoinette once said, let them eat non-fat flourless cake.

– The only people who should occupy Wall Street are #62 pros.

– As a betch, you’re never the protester, you’re the girl muploading the protesters with a witty caption like, “Poor people, why so serious?”

– We love how some celebrities are showing support. And not because this is in any way poor person chic, but because it reminds us of how most celebrities were dirt poor before their cheek bones scored them their first B-list acting gig. Penn Badgley, good luck getting hired by the 1% once Gossip Girl gets cancelled. Too bad, that role you played as a beaver in Easy A could have been your ticket to theOscars.

– If these people want to live in a socialist country, why can’t they just ask their daddies to send them abroad for the semester or something? Problem fucking solved. Betches for president!

And last, we hate to say it, but we actually think we might be kindred spirits with the Wall Street occupants. These people haven’t done #36 work in days and have basically just been sitting around #1 talking shit 24/7. Throw in some fucking vodand house music, and you’ve got yourself a solid Blackout Wednesday.

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