Its been awhile since I’ve written. Its been awhile since I’ve stopped to think about anything other than work, school, moving, bills….I spent the day with my family, sewing for a friends Skateboard company, running errands, eating, working out, doing whatever…staying busy. When the sun set I took a walk around my parents neighborhood, the neighborhood I grew up. It smells of gardenias, barbeques and my childhood. Everyone’s lawn and nails are perfectly manicured, house numbers painted on the curb, cars washed and safely parked inside garages. Inside. Wheres its safe.

I remember, this ugly-duckling outcast girl that transfered to my middle school. I think she was Russian, very shy and odd but sweet. Her family bought this huge custom designed house on a culdesac down the street from my house. It sat in the middle of the court guarded by HUGE marble pillars and a horse statue in the walkway. Everyone thought the pillars were excessive, but I dont remember any fuss about the horse? Anyway, I remember walking this girl home one day, and something very pecuilar happened. When she opened that 12foot tall glass door to her mansion, I looked inside and they didnt have couches! yeah, thats right, no couches! No table, no tv, NO COUCHES! These people have marble pillars and no couches?! weird.

I make up my own reality when my memory fails me, so this may be fictional, but I swear she said it was because her parents spent too much on the house and the move that they hadnt gotten around or couldnt afford furniture yet. Which would be sensible, but…really?

The moon is full tonight. So bright and promising and full. Im feeling empty. Displaced and empty. Our houses our huge, we have multiple Mercedes in the driveway, 401K’s and marble pillars. But no couches.

A few streets over I pass our family friends’ beautiful home. We used to go on walks and always joke about making them an offer on their house, the most coveted one in the neighborhood for sure. Its your average suburb family. Dad, wife and two kids, we grew up together. My brother dated the daughter in High School, we always thought she was way too pretty for him. But thats how it always was. Their next door neighbors wanted to build a staircase in th backyard leading up to the master bedroom. There was a huge dispute between the two neighbors over this proposed staircase. So much so that they took it to City council and rallied the neighborhood to take sides and make a decision on the stairs. I found this particularly petty and uneseccary. I don’t know what ever came about “the case” but Hugh, the dad, died this week of cancer. He’s gone. Weeks ago my dad ran into him at the grocery store, buying groceries, doing normal dad things. Weeks ago the family was up in arms over a staircase, now the family just wishes they could put their arms around their dad. I wish I could put my arms around the family and tell them this is all that matters.

Theres a Hebrew word, “Selah” which means to pause and reflect. Its used in Psalms many times after an important statement, as though the author wants you to stop and really take it what is being said. Tonight is one of those nights. Fuck the staircase, fuck the city council and your family attorney. Selah. This is it. This right here. Your family, your loved ones, the annoying things they do, the mistakes they make, they headaches they cause, they tears they bring, the laughter, the love, the life we create together. Selah.

My dad just came outback. We looked at the moon together. He said

“isnt it crazy. 12 men walked on that planet. 256,000 miles away”



2 thoughts on “Selah

know what i mean?

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