As a side note, Id like to remind everyone that this PMA (positive mental attitude) moto mostly originated from a hardcore band in the 80’s, Bad Brains. Music is influential, its about what you chose to do with your power and influence that makes you different. . …and yes i have PMA tatted on the inside of my lip cause im hard like that PFK//ALL DAY
Im not going to say “OMG I cant beleive she died” because I can beleive it, addiction is a very scaery very real thing and relapse honestly doesnt surprise me. Sad, but not shocked. However, I have so much respect for Amy Winehouse, I love and appreciate her music so much. She had such a beautiful, refreshing voice and moving music. *For some reason it always makes me want to clean my house though…suppressed housewife in me?) Anyway, love you girl, rest in peace!
Last night I went out to din din with the family at Scotts. First of all, dont ever take me to a seafood restaurant in heels with no reservations. Me in a bar with no service…fishy! Apparently there was some “deal” on crabcakes or something so naturally it was a breeding ground for the single, successful 30’s crowd to come out and flaunt their tanned, greased selves to potential mates. Hoes always be lookn to get wifed up. Anyway, we ate, we drank ,I had a couple fabulous mojitos, we were marry and loud and embarrassing as usual.
Dad: yeah im not really a crab man
brothers gf: you just ordered clam chowder.
(surrounded by idiots, onward I press)
I was exhausted from my back straining day at work *see previous entry, and ready to pass out, but the boys at my old coffee shop were having a going away party so naturally I had to make an appearance. It was so good to see them, Kyle is adorable and by far my favorite!
(its a pool stick not a pole.)
I had a really good night with my roomies too, I already miss them. Its very rare that you find genuinely good people, and I feel blessed to have found some of the ones I lived with (Dani & Machu, love you guys!)
So I show up at my New Place in Berkeley this morning to meet the landlord and do the walkthrough. It is my first time seeing the apartment, and I wish it were my last. (Note to self and future renters, dont ever agree to move into a place before ever seeing it) I waited for the landlord to completely exit the premises before bursting into tears and calling my mom. I might have told her to turn the car carrying my stuff around because none of it would fit into this shit hole. (looking back I can see how I tend to over dramatize situations and slightly exaggerate )
Within 30 min I am calmed down and dancing to Keyshia Cole setting my bamboo up around the apartment. It really isnt that bad its actually very cute and clean on the inside, its just not in the best location…this is coming from the girl who wanted to move to Oakland, who purposefully works in the hood and has an inner ghetto queen raging inside her. Thats what we call HOOD SHOCK.
but in the words of the beautiful Lauryn Hill,
“went from hood shock to hood sheek, its not about what you cop its about what you keep”
Already pretty sheek, so lets just hope I keep my computer and body parts in this hood.
Note to future ex-boyfriends: don’t ever show up at my house unannounced at 6AM unless you’re Peets Delivery. K thanks.
After a very unpleasant encounter with said ex, I was on the verge of calling into work and indulging in a day of self pampering (mani/pedi, shopping, endless martinis and affirmations from men) but I decided to not let this fool knock my hustle and short me out of more money, so I grudged into the office. For most people I think the office is a place of stress, irritation and poor air circulation, for me it is a place of complimentary starbucks, laughs unlimited and a dumping ground for drama. Ive been here three hours and have done maybe 5 minutes of actual work. I manage to cut my actual-work time in half by bypassing peoples bullshit, for example, I delete voicemails that go over my allotted 1 min maximum. What was that Sherry? You wanted a refund for –Ooops you should have skipped the sob story about your sons sore throat and the Vicks vaporizer, maybe then you would have got your number in there before the 60sec mark! Outgoing mail? One tag fits all in my book, sorting is for losers. Its this kind of solution-orientated mindset that makes me a prime candidate in the career field. You say I cut corners, I say I cut the fat.
5 o’clock cant come soon enough!
Tonight may very well be my last night downtown. Im not sure I’m really taking everything in…either I really am doing well with all this change or I am not even allowing myself to feel anything and just being a big walking void of emotion. I’d like to believe the first.
Its that strange bitter-sweet looking around at a place and thinking “it will never be like this again” Honestly though this whole house just fell apart in the duration of one weekend and now its just weird and empty and I am happy to be starting over somewhere new.
Two more weeks left at my job wooo! I snapped at my co-worker today, after coming in two hours late I was doing my daily briefing (aka: bullshitting) with another co-worker for a couple minutes, this girl had the nerve to tell us to start working on the inbox. You should have seen my face, that grand canyon deep crease in my forward lurked forth as I whipped my freshly straightened hair around to snap
“exscuse me officer where’s your badge?”
Silence filled the office before she scurried out on her break. I just really dont do well with people trying to tell me what to do, especially from someone who is not in authority over me. But lets face it, when is anyone really in authority over MUAH? right.
Besides bitching over contract signatures, the temperature in the office and “who moved my stapler? it was right here and now it is gone?”… I actually have a good time with some pretty amazing co-workers. Its about making it happen wherever you are, whoever you are with. (nonmuthafuckinfactor co-worker not pictured)
I finished sewing some shirts for HA Critical, a dope skate company, peep the peeps
Also, I’ve been asked to write for a collaborative blog started by my beautiful and talented friend Mariah. I love her writing and thought process, fucking genius!
oh and BTDUBS, my brother and my whole family for that matter is on this whole juicing kick and they are planning a fast next week. i think its hilarious, another one of their one-hit wonder prophesies, but of course im joining for the fast, who doesnt want to shed a few lbs and bask in the glory of out fasting my family members? check his blog out too, what a fool!
always classy, never trashy,
Russian River, CA
Angel convinced me to join him and the boys for a weekend camping trip at Russian River. As most life decisions, I committed without thinking it through and as I watched him pack the car with sleeping bags, ice chests, tents and flashlights, I started to reconsider my “roughing it” abilties.Four hours, two wine coolers and three boys later, we arrive at ho-down back woods Guerneville where our friend Holland’s family rents a summer house on the river. The boys set up camp in the backyard while I “supervise”. We drink beer and bullshit by the fire, I’m cold but happy, genuinly happy.
In the morning everyone rondevous in the kitchen for coffee and breakfast. Holland’s parents are adorable and tell us stories about their recent UK travels. His dad is on the laptop showing pictures and smiling simultaneously at his wife and the screen. I smile thinking about them and about my own travels. Ive been through most of Europe and spent a summer in southern Africa, and maybe sometimes I forget it. I forget the beauty and knowledge the world contains and has taught me. I allow people, the most insignificant of which, to have influence over my happiness. But the beautiful thing about life is that I dont have to let them.
After coffee we journey downstream in kyacks. Five minutes into it the sun broke through the clouds and my mind. There are always going to be people who try to bring you down and poison you with their negativity, the trick is to not even give them the power to get in your head. Clarity shone down on me like the sun as we paddled upstream. Blue skies and laughter surrounded our little crew and in that moment I was so happy to be alive. So happy to be out in gods glory and good company.
We stop and dock at a local beach a few miles upstream. Im siting on a bench soaking up the sun and admiring the mountains that cradle the river like a child; in awe of natures beauty. Holland sets a cooler full of beer next to me and says “try to not get arrested”. I smile in assurance. He comes back with his brother Delaney, who is equally as tall yet significantly more awkward then Holland. Standing between them is intimidating, I call them the twin towers. Back on the beach we chill and drink beer, walk around and enjoy the place. The third tower and his friend show up and we continue our journey.
Back at our makeshift camp site the boys make a fire and I start a smore assembly line, (order)..must be a woman thing. I managed to squeeze in some reading time, one of my cheesy empowering-go-gettem books The Happiness Project” Its actually really good and I’m learning a lot about myself. For some reason I’ve been thinking a lot about my future lately, and the family that I want to have. My dad has always been a stronghold in my life and I really respect him for what he has taught all of us. I want to have the kind of family I had growing up, I don’t want to struggle, I want to be comfortable, healthy and happy and be able to take my family on vacations and show them the world, I want to be close to my kids and their friends, I want everything I had because it was so good and we really are so blessed. I think its good to take a self-inventory of your values and desires when you are single because it allows you to look at people more in a sense of “is this someone that aligns themselves with my ideals” And I guess that is what being young and single is about, about creating yourself and discovering the things that really matter to you. What a shame to be in a relationship and then start realizing all of these things, because who knows if your partner will have the same thoughts as you. I remember the last time I was single for quite some time and thinking, how could I be in a relationship with someone else when I am constantly changing and growing? Its almost unfair to the other person..you may fall in love with who I am today but whoooaa check me out tomorrow and you might want to bounce!
The other day me ex said “you’ve changed since we got together”
he couldn’t have been more right.
I am so inspired by life lately. There are so many amazing people doing amazing things, that its almost pathetic to look back and think that I got lightweight jaded over a relationship. When I think about those that I admire and aspire to be like, when I think about all the injustices in the world, the potential and opportunity in the world, I think how silly and insignificant it is to be caught up on who someone is with or what they’re doing, that shit doesnt matter.
The people that you need are in your life. I think often times we get caught up on these things because we fail to recognize the bigger picture, we fail to remember that our life is in someone elses hands.
The Lords Prayer has been stuck in my head and I find myself repeating those words “Give us today our daily bread” Because thats what it comes down to. Every Day. Its about relying and believeing that God gives us what we need every single day, never more never less. So when I wake up and my head is already racing with bullshit scenarios and past confrontations, I say to myself “just give me what I need for today, just give me that damn bread!”
Another note, I want to make a black and white portrait wall in my new house of people who have inspired me. Here’s my list so far….who inspires you?
Martin Luther King Jr
a little rose
What a weekend! I had such a good time with my brother and dad at the state fair, $1 beers and horse races…who would of thought being white trash could be so fun!
I started running again, it feels so good (the energy not my ass jiggling in spandex) Pedicures and compliments feel good too…even if the compliments are drunken advances from your best friends, at this point i’ll take what i can get. I’m not the type of girl that gets off on random guys trying to flatter me with one liners and eye fucks, but I must admit, post-break-up, it really boost my self confidence. I know I’m not some hideous retard with a cleft lip or receding hairline, but when you lose a relationship you often take it out on yourself in self-defeating thoughts ..rejection/unworthy bullshit thinking.
I went to church today for the first time in a long time. I honestly just went for the music, something about those songs really connects with me internally and I feel so at peace….like everything is going to be okay. The sermon was good too but honestly, life is about doing you. Its about taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do to be okay. Sometimes its going for the music, or getting a massage, having a drink with friends, pedicures, reading, calling into work, sending nasty text messages to your mom intended for your ex, whatever it takes, you gotta do YOU!
I had lunch with an old friend tonight. I love the wisdom and strength i get from my female friends because they are all at least 8 years older than me and have been jumped all these hoops before. Theres something comforting about sharing stories with people, feeling connected, like we’re all in this together.
I also talked to my brother for awhile. He is such a good person and deserves an amazing woman, i know he will be blessed with one when the time is right. As crazy as my family is, I love them all so much and feel lucky to be so close to them, even if not geographically. At the end of the day, at the end of relationships, you realize who is real and who never was…and sometimes that means taking out the trash! I love what Keith Haring says about life, about how it is like painting in that at any moment we have the ability to start all over, to cover it up or change it, or throw it out if it no longer serves its purpose.
Oh yeah, and I chilled on a houseboat for my friends birthday, so beautiful!
…did i mention i went to a friends 30th birthday party… there was an older black lady there doing one of those Mary Kay parties, except she was selling sex toys…and her 24yr old daughter was her associate. if that wasnt awkward enough, i was there with my “othermom” Chris. We were disguising our disgust and uncomfortableness with greygoose and fake smiles well enough… but when “Donnavin” the male stripper showed up, we had to dismiss ourselves. ..Never a dull moment in my life.
i get even.
ughhhh one of those nights. how do i allow people to get under my skin so much? i wish i could say fuck it and mean it.
anyways, white wine and cleaning always does the trick. or just white wine. its so easy to get caught up in peoples bullshit. it takes a strong character to stay focused on the good things in life.
Here’s to another blog, hopefully one I will keep up with. I really enjoy writing, its one of those things I do because I need to not because I can. My best friend Roger and I just got back from one of many trips to Berekeley. We are both starting there next month as 3rd year transfer students. Yesterday we spent all day at orientation, thrown into the herd of 300 other newbies hoping to make it big at the Bear. Besides the typical, trivial “stand up introduce yourself and an interesting fact about you” group molding activities, it was actually a very informative and inspiring day. I met a lot of awesome people in my major (sociology) and got a good feel for the campus and what my work load will be like.
I just got out of a 9month relationship with a recovering drug addict/skateboarder/felon/unemployed handsome black man.
I dont make mistakes, I date them. ((clearly))
Despite a two day emotional breakdown, things actually ended really well and we remain close to each other. I think breaking up is hardest when you are still in love with each other, you just know that you are on different paths. I feel good about things though..I also feel good about the divorce diet and appreciate its sensitivity to bikini season. oohh the vanity!