On Change

It’s remarkable how quickly your life and daily routine can change. Just months ago I felt stuck in a dead end job on an island with a man I thought I would marry. We played house and I took pride in the simple life of domestic duties.

Now I’m up at 5, practicing hot yoga every morning with the All American Yoga Man, pouring over California’s criminal justice history on the train downtown where I share insights on life and economics with the tall LAO analyst and my knight in shining armor from the museum. Aaron reminds me that this is where the growth happens and Nigel and I exchange daily pep talks. Now I walk the capital on my lunch and listen to country music, laughing to myself at the sheer cleverness and delight the universe showers me with. I never would have imagined these men, these little gifts from above, would grace my life with their wisdom and friendship. During the day I analyze federal education proposals, connecting the dots between priorities and budgets, aspirations and practical considerations. I wind down with green tea instead of wine and scribble in my journal, repeating Hafiz and trying to commit this all to memory- how resilient the human spirit is. how just months ago I laid in my childhood bed, sick with heartache as I painstakingly watched my neighbor mow his lawn, surprised that life went on in spite of my paralyzing pain. Time is like that. The rawness wears off and new people, ideas, and possibilities begin to flood your life, washing away memories of your former self, and all the pain that once plagued you. Time heals and renews, it makes all wrongs right again. There’s no place so desolate the sun doesn’t shine, no event the gentle hands of time can’t bend into a blessing.

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If you don’t think you’re worthy of the success you’re trying to manifest, you’ll destroy it. The law of reciprocity will hold for your own self-belief. You really have to believe that you deserve everything good that’s coming to you. You have to love yourself, feel that you’re worthy. Doing that work is getting yourself in alignment with that universal reciprocity. Say, I’ve done the work, I’ve done the hard labor, I really deserve to reap some of the benefits from this abundant universe and then you will start to create situations more favorable for that.

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summer lessons

this summer has been a whirlwind of adventure. climbing through windows, CCR roadtrips, yoga before sunrise, the look in your eye as we stumble on the dance floor.

It is just love and I now, doing whatever happens

there’s a moment when your heart breaks open

that you realize its for your own expansion

that you crammed yourself into a barn and God had a mansion

waiting for you

it’s in those moments that you can look back and laugh at the pain. of course it helps if you have a little sunshine and whiskey and a handsome man whose gentle and just right amount frisky. and friends to help you grieve and brothers who will never leave. All comes your way for a reason. Everything is working the room and making valuable connections.

allow your heart to settle

for a man who challenges you

a man who makes you think. 

A man who expands your consciousness

is a man worth falling in love with over and over.

moving on

we enter into a posture

experience it fully

then let go

and move on

this is yoga.

Today I had a nauseating headache that I later learned is called a migraine. Then I had a conversation that my heart had been desiring but my simple mind had no awareness of. I was pleasant and indifferent and then my heart took control of my vocals and said

“I’m ready

to move on.”

I was just as shocked as he was at this declaration.

of truth.

My poor heart, like a caged bird wanting to sing

wanting to soar

and my busy body and brain were so dominant that we didn’t hear

the soft whisper

so it turned into a scream

and that got my attention! and so I put down those bags I had been carrying. and now I too can soar

a little higher.

a couple more years

I’ve got a couple more years on you, baby, that’s all.
I’ve had more chances to fly and more places to fall.
And it ain’t that I’m wiser,
It’s only that I’ve spent more time with my back to the wall.
And I’ve picked up a couple more years on you, baby.. that’s all.
I’ve walked a couple more roads than you, baby, that’s all.
And I’m tired of runnin’ while you’re only learning to crawl.
And you’re headin somewhere,
But I’ve been to somewhere, and found it was nowhere at all.
And I’ve picked up a couple of years on you baby, that’s all.

On Love

Love doesn’t exist,

Love brings everything into existence

Love is not meaningful,

Love brings meaning to everything